I always wonder what it would have been like if things had played out differently…
What if the game had been a little bit different?
What if he never played her?
What if he had married her?
What if he never abused her and actually loved her?
What if she had left at the first sign?
What if she never rushed in fear of the age monster?
What if they looked at me and told me I was beautiful?
What if I got love and acceptance than rejection and hate?
What if he never forced himself inside my innocence?
What if my death wish…was not actually a wish…?
What if I had opened my mouth and said something?
Could my life have been different?
When I watch the light expand through my window in the morning, rising and falling in this quiet room, this world
I keep wondering, what if I lay my head on your chest and closed my eyes
Would that melt it all away? The bad memories
There are moments I want to pick up the pen and pour everything out
Moments when my mind races in all directions, and I’m walking in the middle of its roads talking loudly to myself, not seeming to make any sense
Moments when I feel like I’m losing it and yearn for the smallest fabric of the flesh of calm
When I wake up and all I see are black hungry birds staring down at my worn out weary body
Signaling up for the drizzles
Waiting for me to give it up already
Then, there are these moments when it feels like a vacuum…empty and lifeless
A depressing silence
When I pick up the pen, nothing
When I feel lost in this scary space
I feel no pain, no love, no struggle….this is the scariest
When the heart is dark and such a mystery
I look at my reflection and strangers stare back…a lot of strangers
Then there are moments I feel like it is enough to lean on this tiny fabric of my own flesh
When I set my mind on the spirit and have a glimpse of peace and life
When I smile with a little twinkle from the soul
When I walk with awareness
When I boss my very own existence
And feel God all around me
These moments I love
I live for them, and lately, they are my persona
I’m getting in shape
I’m more confident and feel more beautiful every day
Back to my point though
What if the scene of my life had played out differently?
And she actually saw the hurricanes brewing up at a distance, packed and left?
Could I be looking back to doves and angels?
Meanwhile, the world goes on…..
BY JACKIE WANGWE