Let me state this; a narcissist carries traits that can be extremely debilitating to those that get involved with them. Whether it is a spouse, a parent, a friend, family members even a coworker.
Here we put our focus on narcissistic partners/spouses.
Narcissists engage in behaviors that are disarming and dangerous to their victims. They manipulate their victims emotionally and mentally that over time, a person feels completely helpless and vulnerable to them.
For the narcissist, it is all about what you can do for them NOT who you are. When they are seeking you out, they are basically looking at what you can do for them.
Can you meet their needs?
Can you feed their ego?
And they are very smart about it. These are people that DO NOT like partners that may seem to have some boundaries around them. They want to be able to push through your limits and manipulate you to suit their personal needs.
A narcissist will hold on to you as long as you are meeting their needs in terms of what you can do for them. Do you give them the social standing of “married”? Can you cook; can they come back to a clean house and wake up to clean well ironed clothes to wear? Can they have the constant supply of financing you give them? Try fail or lag behind on one thing that they expect from you and you trip them over completely. They will create a fuss, give the silent treatment, call you names…sometimes you can be discarded for someone that could be fulfilling those needs.
You are more like an object to be used and once you can’t be of use to them anymore in the way that they want they can easily discard you for someone else.
Pay attention to how they focus on what you aren’t doing for them right sometimes even use that as the excuse why they could be cheating or should be cheating or they are sad…
As much as it may sound as if it is easy to spot these individuals out, truth is, most victims aren’t able to tell if who they are dealing with is a narcissist or not. And we have touched on some of the reasons this is. Abuse from a narcissist can be extremely mind twisting to the victims. Your judgment becomes completely messed, your thinking and how you view or see things becomes compromised, your sanity challenged…so even your judge of character is inhibited.
Today, with the help of one of my favorite psychologist writers Dr. Karyl McBride, I will take you through a series of some of the most common traits to look out for in a partner to help you know if they are narcissists or not.
- They most of the time put blames on you even for their own actions. They will never own or take full responsibility for something that is not right in the relationship. For example, they will engage in adultery and say it was your fault that they cheated. They will beat you up and blame it on you. They will insult you, disrespect you and make it look like you made them do all that. It is always your fault. Sounding familiar?
- They don’t seem to be in tune with your feelings. They may see you cry because of something they did or said and brush you off as being merely dramatic. They can even walk out on you when you are hurting and need some comfort and support.
- They are unwilling to listen to you and your concerns. It is almost like your concerns don’t matter. Most times you trying to talk about your concerns is quickly interpreted as nagging.
- They make you feel like you are not good enough. Is this feeling ringing a bell? Do you find yourself questioning whether you are good enough or even worth of genuine love?
- They never ask about your day, how you are doing or feeling, if you had a great day or not. But expect you to do that for them.
- They lie a lot. Now this is very typical of them. They will lie to you and not feel any guilt or shame.
- They are extremely manipulative.
- If you have kids you find that they feel comfortable sharing their feelings with you more than they would with their other parent.
- They don’t trust you. These are people that will suspect you even accuse you of cheating when they are the ones being unfaithful and not worth of your trust. But they expect that you trust them.
- They spend minimum time with the kids if you have any.
- They are all about power and control. They want to control you and your life. Some even go extends of dictating if you should work or not, where you should work, if you should accept that promotion, what you should wear, the friends you should have…they seem to want to control every aspect of your life.
- They don’t have a value system. They do not adhere to a fixed idea of what is wrong or right as long as they get what they want.
- They may be acting like you don’t matter to them, treating you like you are valueless but will still not let you go. I have come across confessions of people that were even denied that divorce. They won’t treat you right but they won’t let you go either. If you manage to get the separation or the divorce they still try to manipulate and exploit you even paint you badly to others.
- When you try to discuss your life issues with them, they seem uninterested and may change the subject to something that is about them.
- They lack empathy.
- You find yourself constantly questioning if your partner loves you. Truth is when you are loved you really don’t need to question. Once you find yourself questioning if it is love or not then it probably isn’t.
- They only act well in the presence of others to seem like they are great spouses but in private they treat you bad.
- They are critical and judgmental of you.
- They act like the world revolves around them.
- They many times swing from grandiosity to stressed or depressed.
We strive for a better future especially for our children.
It has to start with feeding ourselves with knowledge on what is killing our society.
Dysfunctional homes, abusive unions, unhealthy relations are a bigger part of it all.
Change has to start in smallest unit and that is the families that are raising these kids that are supposed to be the future of our society.
Otherwise they will have it rough like many of us who were raised in unhealthy homes are already having it rough.
WE NEED TO BREAK THE CYCLE.
STAY SANE AS ALWAYS
BY JACKIE WANGWE