Growing up in an abusive home, ending up in emotionally and mentally abusive relationships even being sexually violated in one of them, I am quite familiar with feeling of confusion when in such a relationship or marriage.
The feeling that you wish you weren’t with them but again not willing to let go.
You fear being with them at the same time fear NOT being with them.
I remember breaking up with someone I had been dating, then locking myself in my room crying most of the nights looking at my phone wishing they called even though I knew for a fact the way they were treating me was emotionally and mentally draining and I should be happy I was no longer with them.
When all you know is being abused, especially for those who grew up seeing a parent they identify with be abused, then ended up in abusive relationships, the whole concept of relationships and love becomes very confusing. You don’t know what is right anymore. And most times you blame yourself for what you are going through.
So we come up with a series of “WHY” questions.
“Why don’t they treat me better?”
“Why are they mean to me?”
“Why do they have these anger outbursts at me?”
“Why do they call me names?”
“Why do they keep on cheating on me?”
“Why do they keep on telling lies?”
We are by all means trying to find reason to why we are being treated the way we are being treated.
And why do we feel the need to find the reason? Because we feel like it is our responsibility to fix it. We want to fix it. That is just being human. We desire so much for things to be better and feel like it is our responsibility as the victims to do something about it.
This is where we go wrong.
See, many of us are not in acceptance of the fact that we are dealing with a narcissistic and abusive individual. Basically, we are in denial of the fact that we are in a relationship with or are married to a narcissistic abusive person. So when we are seeking reasons why they treat us so badly, why they disrespect us, why they are mean and angry at us most of the time, why they cheat, why they always lie, we are mostly looking at factors outside of the person. We are barely looking at the person and who they really are, how they were raised and nurtured, who their role models are or were… Because we have this need to make excuses for them, feel responsible for them and of course the need for a reason to hang on.
What reasons do we come up with?
The devil; top on the list
Stress at work.
And of course, we don’t fail to look at ourselves as the reason we are treated so badly. So we get busy.
Busy praying the devil and his demons away
Busy praying and wishing the alcohol away
Busy hoping whatever is stressing them at work gets better
Busy trying to change ourselves to something this individual will appreciate and treat better. We stretch way beyond our own comfort zones, our own boundaries trying to please this person. I’m sure if you have done this you have realized that this rarely works to your advantage. It may for a week or so but you always find yourself in the same even worse predicament.
All this time something is happening to our minds; our brains. The highs and the lows experienced in a narcissistic abusive relationship have a serious impact on the brain.
There is the surge of dopamine with the highs; there is the adrenaline rush in the system with the lows. The body and the mind end up in a state of confusion. There is no state of balance. One moment they make you feel so good like everything is going to be better. The next thing you know, there is tension, fear, threats…it’s all a part of the never ending cycle.
You end up in a state of confusion
You go into what we call adrenaline fatigue because it is draining to be constantly in a state of fright or fight whether physically or psychologically.
It is an extreme rollercoaster.
And there is always that big sigh when you think of or talk about how confused you are. Because the whole thing is extremely mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically EXAUSTING.
You long for a change of the situation.
You hope for change so bad.
But time waits for no man. Before you know it, you have counted months; years and are now feeling like it is too late. The damage is too much. You are hooked to this individual. You are addicted to the relationship.
Thing is, narcissistic and abusive people rarely change. Unless they see how dysfunctional and unhealthy they are and CHOOSE to seek relevant help FOR THEMSELVES, there is nothing you as the victim can do to make them treat you better or be better people.
If there is any change you need to do as the victim is to try and stay away from them because they will stop at nothing to project their dysfunctions to you, FORGIVE YOURSELF because I know how you can blame yourself for so many things and think everything is your fault, and most importantly forgive them. Let them out of your system. Let them out of your mind. Set yourself completely free by forgiving them.
Remember, forgiveness DOESN’T mean you keep spending your life with them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you still keep them in your life.
STAY SANE FOLKS
BY JACKIE WANGWE
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