“I spent 27 years with a malignant narcissist, I escaped, took three years to get the divorce and 11 years later I ‘am beginning to heal. I have been in court about 10 times defending myself from his lies and false accusations after the divorce. He thought he owned me and tried to refuse my divorce. My skin still crawls when I have to face him in court. He won’t quit!” Violet.
Let me paint a scenario for you:
Imagine watching a horror movie. Your favorite character is trapped in a dangerously creepy, haunted villa. She is bludgeoned repeatedly by the ghosts that her body is covered in blood. She drags her body through the dust even though weary and scared. Her only rescue is in finding the exit door to the villa, hurling her body out and locking and nailing that door to the hilt.
You hold your breath through all the horror and the scares. Hoping for an end where you see her (Your favorite character) standing so victorious, watching the locked door like it is a piece of art she had longed to get done with for years. You watch her take a breath and let out one victory yell. “It is over! I am free! Finally, peace is here!”
Droplets of rain link up to her tears of joy. And as the movie takes on its last minutes, you witness the world join into this silent, harmonious, peaceful nature she hoped for.
Back to today’s point
Many of us when we think of getting away from a narcissistic abuser we imagine an ending more like the movie scenario I just gave up there. We think as long as we lock the door on the abusive narcissist, what awaits us on the other side is sheer joy and peace.
Well, that is true.
But it doesn’t happen in a matter of minutes like in the movie. NO. And it doesn’t just take closing the door or walking away from the narcissist to heal and experience peace again.
Like the real life case of Violet above, the damage that the narcissistic abuse causes on one’s brain keeps haunting and being a burden to the victim sometimes even years after you leave them. There are a lot of factors that will determine of course how fast one gets to heal from the trauma and the damage caused. Years one has been exposed to the abuse being one of them. Like in the case of Violet where she was abused for a solid 27 years.
Victims of narcissistic abuse still experience fear, phobias, anxiety, anger issues, low self-esteem, uncertainty, confusion…all the negative emotions that come with the abuse even after they leave their abuser.
We saw in my last post just how much this form of abuse can damage the physical brain. With a damaged brain (shrunken hippocampus and swollen amygdala) there is impaired brain functioning.
We have countlessly talked about how it can affect the emotional, psychological, and mental wellbeing of a person.
This is not to say one will never reclaim back their full brain functionality. This is not to say one will never feel good again. This is not to say peace of mind, joy, happiness, HEALING is impossible after the abuse.
Truth is healing is possible.
Peace of mind is possible.
Feeling happy and joyful again is possible.
Reclaiming back your brain functionality is absolutely possible.
But it all starts with you making that one step: realize how damaged you are, realize the kind of negative impact the abusive narcissist is having on you, making a choice to seek a safe space for your healing. Healing starts with you seeking a safe space for yourself away from the abuser. DO NOT worry on the negative emotions you may still experience even after you step away from them, it is all a part of the process.
Take each day at time.
MOST IMPORTATNTLY, SEEK PROFFESSIONAL HELP.
You will get there
Do not waste another minute with an abusive narcissist. It is not in your place to change them or make them treat you better. Your sanity and safety should be priority. If you have kids, remember, they deserve a sane and mentally, physically, psychologically, and emotionally healthy parent for them to develop better. Above anything, they deserve a healthy environment not an abusive one.
BY JACKIE WANGWE