Let’s get back to the core business; speaking about and AGAINST abuse in relationships and marriages.
I know I have been away a while. I am sorry 🙂
But it was a much needed break.
Time off for a little self-care is needed.
I AM BACK 🙂
In my last blog I talked about narcissistic abuse syndrome. The imprints we see in people that are an indication that they have been or are being abused by a narcissist. Things we see and use to judge victims instead of understanding them. Victims themselves judge themselves for exuding these patterns of behavior or feelings.
Today I would like to get a little bit more candid with the emotions victims of narcissistic abuse feel. This is to help us understand and empathize with them more instead of judging them negatively.
Remember, these emotions are as a result of the pain, the trauma, the humiliation, the hurt they are facing or have faced in the hands of their narcissistic spouse.
What are the emotions behind the behavior, the attitudes, and the thoughts of these victims?
What emotions drive what we are able to see, how they act, how they talk, the attitudes they have especially about themselves, those around them and their relationship…?
What propels their general outlook to life?
In this blog I will point out the emotions then later in my subsequent write ups we can dive into each emotion to find out why they feel that way.
These are emotions that these victims, with no doubt, will tell you have felt.
Let’s have a look:
- CONFUSION. Most victims of narcissistic abuse get to a point where they are utterly confused. What is going on? Why is this happening? How did we get here? I’m I the problem? Is it them? What should I do? I’m I this bad? Nothing seems to make sense. And this confusion is quite justifiable because remember when we talked of how narcissists love bomb you initially and make you feel like the best thing that ever happened to them and that you mean the whole world to them? Well, once they have you hooked in their claws, their true colors emerge and anyone would be confused with the sudden change.
- LONELINESS. We have talked about how the initial stage of any abuser is isolating the victim from especially people that are closer. They will tell you how so and so isn’t a good friend, how you should not talk to so and so, how you spending time with your family or friends is ruining the marriage. How you even working is bad for the marriage. By the time they are on with their true abusive selves you will have almost no one you are close enough with to turn to. And because they are NOT the best company anyway, you end up feeling extremely lonely and isolated.
- ANGER. “I feel so angry! Angry at myself, angry at my family, angry at my friends, angry at the world, angry at God. Why should I be the one to go through this?” How can one not be angry? Many times they will not confess to it verbally. But we see the anger in their eyes, in how they talk, in how they comment sometimes even on social media…then we want to judge them, calling them bitter. How can they not feel bitter?
- SHAME. There is a lot of shame that lingers around any victim of abuse. Being abused isn’t necessarily something anyone, be it man or woman, wants to be identified with. We all want others to think our relationship or marriage is doing well and how it is the best thing to us. And there is a lot of stigma surrounding abuse and in many instances the victims are ridiculed, blamed, called names, labeled once word is out there. Therefore feelings of shame can be unavoidable.
- FEAR. Narcissistic abusers are great manipulators. They are also very good at giving threats if things don’t go their way. Overtime, they are able to create a state of constant fear in their victims. We see victims constantly trying to be “careful” with how they talk, act, what they say because they fear anything small may trigger an outrage from their spouse. Many of us grew up in homes where the world went silent as soon as the man of the home appeared. Suddenly there is tension, fidgeting because God forbid anyone says something or does something that will upset the lion.
- DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. Many victims of narcissistic abuse if they happen to seek professional help the diagnosis is mostly depression or anxiety disorders. Why wouldn’t one become depressed or anxious? Narcissistic abuse can mess up one’s entire existence. You lose yourself. You become confused. You are constantly on this ugly life threatening rollercoaster that could plunge you to your crush any moment. Depression and anxiety are bound to invade. The worst feeling.
- NUMBING. Lastly I want to talk about numbing THERE IS A CULTURE OF NUMBING IN OUR SOCIETY TODAY. Pain, anger, hurt can be unbearable. A lot of people especially women resort to numbing their actual feelings and putting up a completely different image. Unfortunately, I see victims insight each other towards this numbing emotion as a way to avoid feeling the pain or being affected by the maltreatment they could be facing. We tell each other to ignore, to bury our feelings, no avoid talking about it, to instead bury ourselves in something that will totally redirect our focus from our feelings. Does this change anything? NO. In the long run this becomes even more dangerous. As long as you are still exposed to the abuse, no matter how much you deviate your attention from how the abuse is making you feel, the brain keeps picking up this negative vibes, storing them in your subconscious and eventually all the pain will catch up with up in an even more explosive way.
These are just SOME of the emotions. Of course we can’t forget the fact that we are all different and may react to different situations in different ways.
We shall explore more on this in my subsequent blogs. We want to see why do victims develop these negative emotions and how do these emotions affect one’s life.
Of course we will also talk about what is happening to the kids being raised in these homes where these abuses are happening.
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STAY SANE AS ALWAYS
BY JACKIE WANGWE.