I will start by stating what most people strategically avoid to address when talking about abuse. That is the fact that most of its origin is buried in childhood.
Think of abusive people; look down the way they grew up, who raised them, the environment they grew up in, the reason for how they act and behave is buried down that line into their childhood.
This is the reason in my advocacy against abuse, against abusive marriages, against unhealthy and dysfunctional marriages and relationships; I specifically put emphasis on saving the kids from growing up in abusive or unhealthy homes.
I STRONGLY stand against enduring any form of abuse or maltreatment just to be seen as married or to fulfill society expectations of having a family.
Because how else can we be able to break the cycle?
If we keep on exposing the future generations to dysfunctions?
A person’s childhood has a HUGE impact on who they become as adults. We need to STOP overlooking this fact if at all we want our kids to have better than our parents had, better than we had.
So, codependency…I have explained in details what it is in previous posts. But just to recap, let’s have a look at what it is.
Basically codependency is when a person stays and holds on to a dysfunctional or unhealthy, mostly one sided relationship. In the process, they enable and reinforce irresponsible or abusive behaviors by their partners. So a codependent person will be in an abusive relationship but believes somehow it is what they deserve or the best they can get. They will get hurt, get humiliated, get stressed, depressed, even become suicidal but will still hold on to the relationship.
Basically they don’t know how to take care of themselves in a relationship.
A lot of people who are in especially abusive, unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships but aren’t really able to quit are codependents.
I know most of the time we ask, why can’t they just leave? Must they be in a relationship with that narcissistic abusive person?
Well, the answer to that is deeper than we view on the surface.
Codependency has an origin. And unfortunately, it is deep where many rarely look; a person’s childhood or nurturing.
I mentioned before that codependency is a behavior or character that can be passed on down generations.
Think about a girl that grew up in an abusive home, where for example the father was abusive to the mother. There is a lot that happens to the brain of this child over the years of witnessing, experiencing, watching their mother subjected to different kinds of abuse. The child develops fear, anxiety, low self-esteem, and self-doubt and generally views themselves in very low regard. But most importantly, such a child may have the tendency to blame themselves for the abuse their mother is going through.
She grows up seeing her mother endure and tolerate this abuse and somehow she believes that I what she as a woman also deserves. So she eventually forms and develops characteristics and behaviors of codependency. And as we have established in my previous posts, these traits are exactly what most narcissistic or abusive people are looking for in a partner.
So what happens?
This girl attracts an unhealthy relationship, an abusive relationship.
Then history of her mother’s plight repeats itself, sometimes in even worse forms.
And we see this a lot in our society.
A girl that grew up watching her mother endure and tolerate any form of abuse and holding on to an abusive marriage is most likely to also end up holding on to unhealthy or abusive relationships or marriage.
Kids who grow up in dysfunctional homes tend to believe they don’t matter. They tend to start seeing love in the aspect of pain. How many times do you come across a person talking of love in the context of enduring and tolerating pain from their spouse? A lot.
Your childhood follows you into your adulthood.
However, this is not to say that all codependents originate from dysfunctional childhoods or dysfunctional homes.
We shall explore more on this in my next blog.
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BY JACKIE WANGWE
Pic Credits: Wildpixel